NASA's New "Rectum Rocket" Highlights from Launch Day
Nasa's new rocket is designed to lift the manned capsule into space using a novel propulsion system for launch. Head engineer Sir Dr. Joe "Blow" Asswind P.H.D. ASCS, got the idea whilst on the toilet one morning. "I was trying to float a hoag but blew wind instead. The force lifted my body up off the toilet seat about a quarter of an inch! I said to myself: Self, this has potential as a heavy lifting platform for orbital vehicles. I grabbed my slide-rule and quickly worked out the turd torpedo and ran to my calculator. By the end of the day I had the first draft drawings of the new rocket. It's a giant ass. The capsule sits on top. We feed baked beans into the side for digestion. Upon farting the ass lifts the capsule into orbit. I call it the x-61-1820, but folks just call it the 'Rectum Rocket'. "
On launch day, the crowd was excited. The large ass on the launchpad was a certainly a sight to see. When the countdown hit 10 seconds, onlookers were advised to put on their gas masks. A groups of children watching from Parkhill elementary didn't have any so they all pinched their noses with two fingers.
The main engine started emitting a deep rumbling vibrating long fart. This caused a large green wall of gas to radiate outwards from the launchpad. As it rolled across nearby fields, the grass all wilted along it's path, and birds were falling out of the sky upon contact with the noxious fumes.
The giant ass blast caused the vehicle to lift and begin it's ascent. The crowd was cheering. "This is a historic moment for NASA" said one announcer. "No one can ever again deny that we are best. The Anal Elite when it comes to space travel."
Just then the Gigantic Butt Rocket exploded into a huge green cloud. "Oh ladies and gentlemen! We have just witnessed an anal explosion of epic proportions. The Rectum Rocket has exploded! The green gas cloud from the blast is blowing spectators back like a shockwave. People are puking, running for cover. Millions of tiny droplets of fecal matter are raining across everything. Oh the humanity! The Humanity!!!"
The force from the incident was so great that it blasted out a giant round inlet into the side of the State of Florida. Now dubbed 'The Gulf of Orlando', it's home to some of the most valuable seaside resorts in the country. Hundreds of low income rednecks who lived in the wooded lands between Orlando and Cocoa Beach woke up one morning to find that their property was now beachfront real estate. The offers soon came in and they all sold out to resort developers. This group, referred to as 'The Butt Bomb Billionaires', mostly have no regrets about selling their property. As one of them told us in a brief phone interview. Billy Bob Hodunk said he is thankful for the mishap:
"I jest herd a loud boom outside. I said to my bulldawg Rufus 'What the jibbers wuz at? He went back to sleep but I went out to the yard and saw the sky wuz green and trees n rocks n stuff was all flyin up into the sky! Dangest thing I ever done saw! I thought the space men were a comin so I grabbed ol Rufus and headed down to the bomb shelter. We hid out for a few days til we heard some folks a talkin. We come up to find a bunch a surfers campin out in the driveway. One of em walked up and said "Surfs up bro!", den he ran down and jumped in the water! Water? That's when I seen it. Somehow I was now a livin on the beach! So thank you NASA. That there Butt Bomb was the best thing a ever happin to me. And now I got a tux I wear everyplace I go. And I got one for ol Rufus to. "